i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
