Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
