I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
