I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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