True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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