At least make sure they are 18
Why
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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