Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
