Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
MIDGETS
????
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
