I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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