and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
