p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
