no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
