I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
