this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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