Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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