I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
