I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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