dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
