i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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