Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
