Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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