mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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