I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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