my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
