Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
