I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
