Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
