My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
