New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
