it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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