She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I didn't notice because vodka
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
