Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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