I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Quick, to the slutcave!
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
