Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
