Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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