in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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