you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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