i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
