In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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