Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
