I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Success! We fucked roommates!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
