dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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