I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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