woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
