put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
