hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
