There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
