You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
