mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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