ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
