I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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