Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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