Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
