Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
