How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
