is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
