dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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