Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
