Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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